I got out of the shower today and the all-too-familiar hustle to get dressed before I bled on myself started. And before I knew it, I was bawling. Home alone, nobody to talk to, and all I could do was stare at myself in the mirror and cry. I don't want to talk to anyone, but I need to talk to someone. But to whom? Although I thought it was easier this time around, I find myself harboring even more animosity for pregnant women when I see them. I had to go get blood drawn at the doctor's office today, and I hated every woman there who was obviously pregnant. It didn't help that I felt like they were all staring at me, but I still hated them nonetheless. I think of all the pregnancy scares in the past and wonder what the hell my problem was. I wonder if this will be a recurrent theme, something that defines my future or something that I move beyond that becomes simply a memory. I worry more than I wonder about that. The pain has become more severe, but today I found myself taking my first pain pill more to alleviate the emotions than the cramping. I actually looked for a support group that I might be able to attend, but the closest one I can find to me is a couple hundred miles. I think the only people I can talk to right now without feeling completely isolated are other people who are going through what I'm going through. Today at work, one of my friends from another office IM'd me and seemingly out of nowhere started talking about trying to get pregnant and asked when we were going to try. Nobody at work knows my dirty little secrets, and I played along, saying that we were ready and were going to start trying soon. What's the point in telling people that hey, yeah, we've been trying but we haven't just been unsuccessful, we've been downright unlucky and miserable? I read medical records every day and find myself resenting the drug addicts, the alcoholics, the women who smoke and drink and use drugs throughout their pregnancies, some of whom want nothing less than a child, who still somehow manage to have healthy, normal pregnancies. It's crazy how many pregnancy-related stories I'm surrounded with; I never noticed it before. The stories of lost pregnancies obviously affect me the most, and it takes nothing for me to start crying when I'm reading a book or watching TV or even watching a commercial these days. I'm more emotional about everything; a recent NYT article about someone's dog dying made me bawl for what felt like hours. I feel like I can't face anyone and actually took yesterday off work partly for that reason. Yet I feel at the same time like I am sinking into a hole and need to talk to somebody. soon.